


Locked And Loaded

by melliyna



Category: Criminal Minds RPF
Genre: Acting, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-07-03
Updated: 2010-07-03
Packaged: 2017-10-10 08:57:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/97908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melliyna/pseuds/melliyna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Neither of them expected this to be as hard as it was. Thomas Gibson, C.Thomas Howell and the process of rehearsing and acting That Scene in Nameless, Faceless. Warning - fic contains depictions of sexual assault, violence and the processing of traumatic head space from performing in difficult scenes. This is for Kelachrome (who enabled the ending!) and for my two best friends, the theatre geeks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Locked And Loaded

Obviously, it's different from the read-through. The read through is what every other script read through is: way too early in the morning, over sized beverage containers and a mass of pens. Inevitably, someone will make a double entendre out of something that is not meant to be and there will be mangled line fluffing.

What's different about this one is that when it comes to reading the dialogue, there's something else there. It's not that C.Thomas hasn't gotten used to it, in the months of playing The Reaper, but this, this is a different thing because it's long and yes, detailed.

They aren't really fading to black or using discretion camera shots.

At some point Ed lays down the ground rules. Closed set, person to talk to afterwards. You don't necessarily take it in, in the read through. He and Other Thomas talk it out, tossing ideas back and forth about how this might look, what they want to work on.

It's a read through.

The slow run is kind of awkward but the first time you block fight scenes always is, even when you are nowhere near another person and all the cues are marked out with tape (and so are the points where the table will be, as needed). This is how you get used to your own body memory, before it interacts with someone else. When Other Thomas joins in, it's not so odd. Just two actors blocking stuff out slowly in sweats. Even when straddling him, because it's not about the performance yet. You're just learning the moves.

It's when the knife, well a soft piece of foam that stands in for the prop knife, gets added that it starts to feel more tangible. A little more like getting back into Foyet's skin feels like, once again. Getting the places where the stab wounds would be right, that's important. Making sure he's gotten the action of unzipping pants right, that's also important. It's just miming now.

The medium run is when you start to know it, start to know how this sequence works and it's when you have to make sure it looks jagged without being jagged. It's when the trick knife comes in and it's heft and weight are taken into account. C.Thomas knows this knife, because it's the prop he's used consistently and that's important. It means he's got the familiarity the reaper (he needs to remember to capitalise it in his mind, when he's Foyet. When he isn't, it's not. Distinctions are important) would have.

When you're shooting a scene, you don't want to have to stop it. He almost does because there's a moment when C.Thomas finds himself out of Foyet and there's a guy, on the ground, stabbed, bloodied and trying not to scream and he's about to be half naked and oh fuck, he needs to stop. And somewhere, somehow, Other Thomas caught it (or possibly Ed did, as well) and someone yells "...cut"

He gets up, tries to look around jokingly and wonders how much of this will end up on television, if any. C.Thomas thinks about the read through, about the way that this works on paper versus the way you end up so very personal. Just two actors, one on the floor, one straddling him. And the way it changes when you pull on the costume. But more than that. You pull on the person and in that moment, there was a part of him that was Foyet, reveling in the blood, in rape.

Finding empathy in and with monsters is what a performer does. It's part of the fascination, the nature of it. The way you can become another that has always fascinated him. Right now, it's mixed with something else entirely. Something terrifying and saddening that he never wanted to know about himself.

 

-

It was Other Thomas who offered the cake. Well really, C.Thomas kind of suspects Ed may have been ultimately responsible (he's a good show runner like that) but either way, it was Gibson who offered the cake.

He gives them both time to get out of the head-space, as well. Because he can see that there's a part of Gibson that is still Hotch, still trying to lie still and not scream and there's a part of him that is still detangling from Foyet.

You come off a scene like that, you need to have ways to come down from. To come back to you, maybe more so than usual. So there's more of a routine in removing the costume, taking off the make-up that itches all to hell and getting your face back to normality. So you can look in to your eyes again.

And thus, back to a blessedly noise free dining area (he especially approves of the addition of comfortable chairs) and some really good cake. And Gibson, who is most definitely coming back to being Other Thomas (it's not the smiling as such, it's mostly the arm flailing and there's a sense of the impish about him, about the way he moves and leans).

"You know, snarking about Pony Boy being evil all along not withstanding"

"Gibson, stop reading my mind there? Aren't you supposed to be off the clock now? As in, not a profiler"

It's the standard response. Possibly this also gives an opportunity to steady things, except Other Thomas is looking at him with a face that somewhere both Hotch and entirely not.

"You know, it's fine for it to be hard for you as well. Actually maybe harder. Remember, Ed made that fairly clear and the director gave a very careful Concerned Face Routine. Also we have cake."

"I forget," he finds himself saying. "You'd think I wouldn't - it's not like this is new ground, but you forget..."

"The head-space fuckery. I think that's the way it needs to be or none of us would ever every act again. Let alone volunteer to play the villain. But the key word is play Thomas. Act. "

"We know the director can stop it."

"It doesn't always help though, does it Gibson?"

"Not as such. But we do have cake."

There's a pause and for a beat they just sit, surrounded by the remains of the cake and the distant voices of various members of the crew and the sound of Paget and Matthew singing something ridiculous in a 'so bad it's come round to good' way. Just two actors, trying to come back to themselves again. C.Thomas bets that if he could feel Gibson's hands, they would be shaky and if he feels the shakiness, he'll feel his own.

So he's not quiet sure how he ends up leaning in, carefully. He's letting Other Thomas control this, leaning in from the side and letting his arms go around the other man in a way that he could get out of, if he wanted. "You're allowed to be shaky too, remember, Gibson."

"Noted, Ponyboy." He tries to make it flippant but it's not, not entirely. "I'll remember that next time I have a shaky fit about something that I acted, that I in fact, have no experience of..."

"You're channelling Hotch again, Tommy G. Please recall what you told me five minutes ago."

There's a lot he could say here, in this space. About children and being the same age as Jack Hotchner, about the way a role can haunt you long after you think it should, about the importance of talking. Instead he just _holds_ and somehow, he's ended up with an armful of Thomas Gibson, a Thomas who is tipping his head up at him. Adorkable, C.Thomas thinks.

When he kisses him, it's soft, lips barely touching. But it's comfort and both of them know it. Both of them know they control this, that this is _them_ and no other. That all this means is affirmation, is comfort and yes, that they can say that this was hard.

A trauma is a trauma, after all.


End file.
